


Heatwave

by basildarling (thespiderbaby)



Category: The Fast Show
Genre: Canon Gay Character, Gardens & Gardening, Hot Weather, Multi, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love, sickfic (just barely)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:54:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26515549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thespiderbaby/pseuds/basildarling
Summary: Ralph can't cope in the hot weather.
Relationships: Mrs Ted/Ted (Fast Show), Ralph Mayhew/Ted
Comments: 6
Kudos: 7





	Heatwave

The greenhouse was positively radiant at this time of year. Ralph could spend hours in here, admiring all the plants that he had had a part in growing. Well, if you could call it that. His involvement only went as far as holding the watering can for Ted. He liked to think he was being helpful; the thing was damned heavy after all!

He was content just to watch Ted tend to the plants, admiring how gentle those work-roughened hands could be as they dug into the soil. He noticed his fingernails, caked in dirt, and imagined Mrs. Ted tutting, and scrubbing at them with a bar of soap. Ralph had grown used to the little things Ted did when he was deep in concentration. Sometimes, he had caught Ted whispering to the tiny shoots, or even encouraging the green tomatoes to ripen. He couldn't summon the courage to bring this up to Ted, though. The last thing he wanted was to make his beloved groundskeeper self-conscious. Ted worked best when he was in his own little world, the very same world that Ralph longed to be a part of.

How grateful he was that his brief spell at agricultural college hadn't completely extinguished his love for the outdoors! Here, he could feel completely connected with Ted, invisible barriers broken down.

_Well, almost._

It was a particularly hot day, and, as the glass walls of the greenhouse slowly baked him, Ralph was beginning to regret his thick tweed jacket. He really hoped he wasn't _too_ red-faced.

"...Ted?"

A few moments passed, and Ted looked up from his re-potting. "Yes, sir?"

"I was just thinking, seeing as it's...awfully warm...you wouldn't like to, err, come up to the house for a refreshing drink?"

"I've still got a lot of work to do, sir."

"Oh…," Ralph could only just hide the disappointment in his voice. "Perhaps later."

And that was how Ralph found himself alone at his kitchen table a short while later, waistcoat and jacket discarded, chugging elderflower cordial in a most ungentlemanly manner. What was he thinking, wearing so many layers in this heat? That tie would have to go too. He undid it and threw it across the kitchen, completely missing the hook, but he was too hot to get up and put it away neatly. He simply flopped in his chair for a few moments and closed his eyes.

Then it struck him. If Ted wouldn't come in for a drink, then he would take a drink out for him! That way, his work wouldn't be interrupted. Ralph topped up a tall glass with ice cubes and carefully balanced it on a tray with the jug of cordial.

***

"Refreshments, Ted!"

Ted looked up from his work to see Ralph making his way across the lawn with a tray, wobbling precariously. Dear God, he'd better not trip.

"Very kind of you, sir." He picked up the glass and drank; a bit sweet for his tastes, perhaps, but it was refreshing all the same.

"I just- I just thought, can't have you withering away in this heat, Ted. You do seem to battle through the extremities, and I salute you for that. I, on the other hand, find myself struggling whenever the sun makes an appearance. Ted, do you think they make sun lotion above factor 50?"

"I wouldn't know about that, sir."

"Shame. The Mayhew complexion, Ted. If I don't stay in the shade I shall be as red as- well, er, something red."

Ted nodded, turning his attention back to the plants. They were so delicate, one drop of water too few, and they were in danger of withering away. It was probably a good idea to check on his own flowers, Ralph thought. Ever since he was young, Ted had reserved a space in the greenhouse for the young master to grow whatever he wanted, and Ralph had seized this opportunity, although his father disapproved. Boys his age, he had said, should be learning how to shoot, not wasting time watering flowers.

Even though his fingers weren't as green as Ted's, it gave him a great sense of accomplishment. Being able to grow his own things felt like he was helping bring the gardens back from the near extinction they had suffered in his father’s time, and in turn, helped him to feel connected with Ted.

Ralph rolled up his sleeves and dug his fingers into the soft soil. He had left his gardening gloves inside, but no matter. There was no point in going to get them now. Ted had stopped concentrating on his plants and now turned to face Ralph, a curious look on his face.

“Not like that, sir. Remember what I taught you."

Ted pushed a plant pot aside with his foot and stood directly beside Ralph.

"Hold your hands like that- there you go, sir, that's perfect- and use more of a scooping motion, like this, see?"

"Like this?"

"That's it...hold on, let me show you."

Ted took Ralph's hands in his own and guided him through the motions of potting a plant. Thankfully, Ralph's cheeks were already red from the heat, so Ted didn't notice the furious blush that Ralph had broken out into.

"I understand now, Ted." And with shaky hands Ralph turned again to his flowers, pressing down the soil like Ted had shown him.

Suddenly there was an almighty crash; Ralph's shaky hands had got the better of him and the pot had slipped from his hands. If Ralph was a different, less polite man, then a string of obscenities would have tumbled from his lips. Instead, he simply stared forlornly down at the soil covering the floor, mingled with pieces of broken terracotta, and one sad, very vulnerable looking flower.

"Are you alright, sir?" Ted asked. He had been just as shocked as Ralph at the noise.

“I...I think so, Ted...the heat must be getting to me. I’m terribly sorry.”

“Don’t worry, sir. I think you should get yourself somewhere shady, have something to drink, cool down…” He looked very concerned, Ralph thought.

"I'll be fine, Ted. Really...you get back to what you were doing."

"Not until I know you're feeling better, sir."

"Ted, really, you're so kind…" And he took two steps out of the greenhouse and crumpled to the ground.

***

Ralph came to on an unfamiliar sofa with his legs sticking up in the air. He couldn't see for a minute; he panicked, then realised a cold, damp towel had slipped over his eyes, obscuring his vision. He lifted it up and took a moment to take in his surroundings. Mrs Ted was sitting at his side, a worried look on her face, but she relaxed when she saw Ralph open his eyes.

"Esther! Oh, I must look a frightful state. I apologise," Ralph shifted slightly as if to get up, but felt his head swim and thought better of it.

"Teddy told me what happened. Said you went down like a ton of bricks."

Now Ralph focused, and could see Ted standing slightly behind his wife. Self-conscious, he drew his open shirt around himself.

"Is that so…? I felt a bit wobbly, but I thought I'd be fine. Oh…” he trailed off again. “I did say, earlier, that I’m simply not built for this kind of heat. Foolish of me to stay out, really, and now you have to deal with me ”

“Don’t worry, dear. Why don’t you have a sip of this, and you’ll feel better in no time.” She handed Ralph a glass of water, which he took gratefully.

“Ted says you were so preoccupied with making sure he was comfortable working in this heat, you didn’t stop to look out for yourself! Made him worry, seeing you sick like that.”

“I’m sorry, Ted,” Ralph sipped at his drink. “And I broke that flowerpot as well. I’m not having a very good day, am I?”

_But then, when do I?_ he thought to himself.

“It’s not a problem, sir.”

Mrs Ted cut in again. “I can’t believe he carried you all the way to the cottage! But Ted’s always been strong. Comes of working all his life.”

“Well, what else was i s’posed to do? Just leave him face down in the grass? That’d be a fine way to treat my employer!”

Ralph couldn’t help but laugh at this. “I _am_ grateful, Ted, truly. I can’t thank you enough and I can’t apologise enough for the inconvenience.”

Ted nodded, and was that a faint smile on his face? From this angle it was impossible to see, but he liked to think it was.

“Mr Mayhew, you’ve always been such a perfect gentleman, always thinking of others before yourself,” said Mrs Ted. “Are you feeling better, my dear?”

“Much better, thank you, Esther.”

“The least I can do, after all you’ve been through today, is make sure you get a good meal inside you. Teddy, can you set the dinner table for three?”

Ralph started to protest, saying he didn’t want to intrude, but he thought back to his pantry in the big house; stale bread, leftover chicken from last week, and some sort of mushy vegetable remains that he couldn’t quite identify, and found it impossible to say no.

***

Sitting round the table with Ted and Esther, talking and laughing, Ralph felt a deep warmth inside himself. They had invited him to their table, and he was truly part of something. And, this was probably the nicest cottage pie he had eaten in his life. It was true what they said about good food and great company. Possibly, they were tired of hearing Ralph thanking them endlessly, but the truth was he was just so overcome with gratuity, he couldn’t help it.

Ralph felt his hand graze past Ted’s as they both reached for another helping of steamed vegetables. No, although he felt his heart leap, there could be nothing there. He saw the way Esther looked at her husband, and he looked back; that was true happiness. If he could ever find out what that felt like, he would die a fulfilled man.

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this when the actual heatwave was going on and thought I'd better finish it as we get into autumn! Bit of a sad ending this time lads, but Mrs Ted makes an appearance and she's lovely. I wonder how much she really knows?


End file.
